My Mom was always suspicious of me when I was growing up. If she heard about something bad happening in the neighborhood, like a broken...

It’s not how hard you get knocked down. It's whether or not you can get back up and run away.

If I complain about other people's driving 10X for every 9X they complain about my driving, I win.

Spanking a child is bad. Said the one child who deserved a good spanking.

A Dad asked me how he should tell his daughter that she was not good at singing. I said you don’t. Her friends will let her know. ...

The people I am supposed to be accepting of want nothing to do with me.

When it comes to orgasms, together, my wife and I are batting 500.

In a parallel universe, I might be the sexiest man alive.

Something is not working. The people who tell me I need to calm down are the same people I want to hit.

Something is not working. I’m trying to drink my troubles away and you’re still here.

My wife does her best to improve the way I look. In her mind she is thinking, maybe my husband will better with a different coat or...

I yearn for the good old days. Happier times when you could still marry your cousin. When child labor kept the kids off the streets. ...

My wife and I have a lot in common. We both fantasize about the same person when we make love. (This can be interpreted in so many...

My girlfriend wanted me to do more to please her in bed. I promised I would when it was my turn.

I am not a pervert. I am a porn enthusiast.

'Right is might' does not apply if you only might be right.

When someone tells me “Nobody’s perfect”, I assume they must be talking about somebody else.

I believe that children are the future. I also believe you should keep them locked up until the future gets here.

Don’t take love for granted. Especially if you are paying good money for it.

I dated a girl who was a lesbian 70% of the time. Which was fine with me because it freed up a lot of my weekends.