I can’t take my wife with me to a smash and grab. She insists on trying everything on and asking my opinion.

I have begged for sex before. That was before I had money. Now I haggle for sex.

I think it’s time we start seeing other people.

I would give up my seat on a crowded bus to an elderly lady. But that's only after she refused to sit on my lap.

I admit it. I’d be the first one to pee on a drowning man. I’m not completely heartless. After I stopped laughing, I would help him out...

Ladies know that, when it comes to men, there are plenty of fish in the ocean. I keep getting thrown back for being too small.

On our first date, a lady told me she was looking for a man who didn’t drink too much, wasn’t narcissistic or appeared too desperate. I...

I bet guys would stop taking drugs if there was a chance their balls would fall off. Wait, there is a drug like that already. It’s...

My wife’s friends hate me and regret that she ever married me. They will buy her lunch for the same reason they donate to colon cancer...

I’m glad I was born white. Otherwise, my mom would have had a lot of explaining to do.

A teacher who thinks it is O.K. to be friends with their students is like a priest thinking it is O.K. to get the altar boys drunk on...

I broke up with my girlfriend because she was effin crazy. Which is a shame because I really liked three out of her five personalities.

There are sheep intestine condoms. I know this because an old girlfriend gave me one to use. Here’s the scary part. After some great...

Like Alcoholics Anonymous there should be a Whites Anonymous group. Two differences. At a Whites Anonymous group, you talk about all...

The cure for dealing with assholes is a suppository shaped like a steel-toe boot. If it does not work, remove and repeat dose as needed.

My wife has never yelled out my name when we make love. However, she does yell out a different man’s name every time she has an orgasm.

An old girlfriend admitted that she only dated me for the sex. It didn’t hurt my feelings because I never thought we were ever really...

An old girlfriend once told me I was never going to make any money. Well, the jokes on her. I just sold one of my kidneys.

Whatever I do that makes life easier for others is a completely unintentional.

The best way to hide your incompetence is to spend your day doing nothing.