If you untie them and they run away, they weren't really yours to begin with.

It's always darkest before the dawn. Because that's when you realize you stayed up all night and have to go to work in two hours.

Horses get put out to stud after a career in racing. What do I get after a long career? I get to hold my wife's purse while she shops...

I admit it. I am terrible in bed. I make love like a charging rhino trying to skate on ice. The woman who invented the first dildo by...

We can share a common ground, as long as you’re the one standing near the dog shit.

Free speech is like hot pizza, messy and ugly, and that's why we love it. It'll burn our tongues. We look past the grease and processed...

I want to people to remember me as someone who doesn’t give a damn. If that doesn’t happen, I don’t care.

A History textbook from 130+ years ago referred to American Indians as “drunken savages who are prone to violence”. I read this and was...

My family doctor sends me to ‘specialists’. These are doctors I have never seen before. I found out that it is just like going out on a...

Most people can look through my rough exterior and see the person I truly am; someone who really doesn’t give a shit. My problem is, I...

Sex is the physical manifestation of a strong emotional connection between two people. It doesn’t sound like any fun when you put it...

Who cleans up the mess after an orgy? Not knowing the answer to this is the main reason I have never gone to an orgy. What if the new...

Retirement is a lot like college. I take naps whenever I want. I only do what is absolutely necessary. I can stay up late and sleep in...

Women like it when you show a real interest in their work. Guys, you have to do this all the time. Not just at the strip clubs.

There are two types of people in the world. Those who think they can change the world through social activism and those who want you to...

The only reason I am not in jail is because I am too lazy to kill anybody, and I don’t have enough money to pay someone to do it for me. ...

Doctors make no sense. My doctor prescribed Viagra for me last year. I see him today and tells me I need to get more rest. That’s like...

My wife buys her bras from an expensive boutique. Me, I just take them off the rack.

I was in the men’s room at work when I noticed that someone had set up a video recorder that was pointing at all the urinals. I...

I really have to stop masturbating so much. It’s beginning to interfere with my tyyppining.