Why are you trying so hard to make me agree with you? When you should be trying harder not to sound like an idiot.

'Everybody else is doing it' sounds like a reason to try a new dance move. It’s not a reason to act like an idiot.

I know you can have your choice of any man you want. But it would really make me happy if you can imagine, at least for one night, that...

You’ll forget all about how the liver was ripped from the carcass of a dead cow right after your first bite.

You need a romantic getaway in a hotel room where hundreds of other sexually active couples stayed before you.

True story: I met a lady who introduced herself as an advocate for the homeless. She insisted, quite passionately, that the homeless...

Do witches use ‘spell’ check?

When a door closes, there is a good chance a window is going to slam shut on your fingers.

We learn from failure, which is why I hang around with a bunch of losers.

Why should I argue the merits of your position when it is much easier just to insult you.

I have struggled with mental illness for most of my life. I think I know what I am talking about when I say you're crazy.

I wish I was in my safe space so I could complain about people without them knowing.

I chose the road less traveled and now I have no idea where the hell I’m at.

People text me to say that I am a good listener. I prefer listening to you when I can text back during commercials.

“If I said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times." -- I must have said that a thousand times.

If you really think it is that important, we can meet face to face so I can ignore you in person.

They can now transplant pig hearts into humans to save their lives. Now, I hear that PETA wants to use human hearts to transplant into...

It is the year of the Tiger. Every Year of the Tiger, there is an uptick of parents eating their young.

My pet poodle was barking at a rabbit that he chased under some bushes. I guess you can say he was a little 'ruff' around the hedges.

What they say: "You need to get out more." What they left out: "Then maybe you'd leave me alone." What they say: "It was the least I...