Prescription for a healthy marriage. . .Nag

The passage of time has helped make me a better husband. I am not as wild as I used to be. The urge to be stupid is still there but the energy is lacking. I guess the translation for this is maturity. Experience has helped me make to make right choices. After taking roads that lead you headfirst into a brick wall, you learn not to take the same roads again. However, there is always room for improvement. That is where my wife comes in.

For twenty years my wife has been searching for the perfect husband. In her mind, that perfect husband has to be inside me somewhere. For my wife, the phrase ‘accept the things you cannot change’ only applies to other married women. This does not annoy me. On the contrary, I really do appreciate it. Most women would have given up on me a long time ago.

My wife has resorted to getting outside help in her quest to find the perfect husband inside of me. The mother-in-law pitches in when she can. But any personal changes I may make only last as long as her visit. Besides, I have the father-in-law on my side. He knows what the ladies are up to and usually pours me a drink when they are not around. To increase outside help, my wife has started to insert herself into more and more of my activities. Recently, this included going to my doctors’ visits with me.

My wife insists on going to every one of my doctor’s visits. This may sound sweet, like she is concerned about what is ailing me at the time. Nothing could be further from the truth. She goes to the doctor with me to seek an ally. She wants the doctor to agree with her on a personal habit or physical characteristic I need to change. Going to the doctor with me was her chance to get the extra outside help she needs to make me the perfect husband.

We went to the orthopedic doctor to get some fluid drained from my knee. My wife asked the doctor if eating more vegetables would help keep my knee from hurting. Of course, the doctor is going to say eating vegetables is healthy. It is in their by-laws. But eating vegetables had nothing to do with the traumatic injury to my knee. I didn’t slip on my way to the dessert tray.

We went to my eye doctor for a routine check-up. My wife asked the doctor if drinking less alcohol will help with my eyesight. I told my wife that with new glasses I’ll be able to see 20/20/20/20. Perfect double vision. The doctor laughed but then, following the doctor by-laws, he agreed that I should drink less alcohol. Now every time I want to have a beer my wife says, “Remember what your eye doctor said.”

I went to my neurologist for my MS. This visit scared me the most because this doctor already e-mailed me with some tips on how to lose weight along with an appointment reminder. I’m thinking that word has gotten out about my wife coming with me for every doctor visit. Was this doctor sending ammunition for my wife? Now I am worried. This doctor might want to discuss the weight loss tips she sent in the e-mail during my visit while my wife was sitting next to me. She did bring the topic of weight loss up. Damn those doctor by-laws! Instead of talking about my multiple sclerosis, which was supposed to happen during the visit, most of the appointment time was having two ladies, my wife and my doctor, talk about how I could lose weight and how important it is to maintain a healthy body weight. Never mind discussing how to treat the potentially crippling disease of MS, I needed to stop snacking on peanuts.

You just finished reading this and you probably think I some blind, drunk, crippled fat man with brain damage. Nothing could be further from the truth. I could lose ten pounds, but I work out all the time. My vision is fine with glasses. I still haven’t finished the twelve pack I bought two months ago. My MS is under control and have learned to deal with its’ minor flare-ups.

I tell my wife all this and you know what she says? “Yeah, but you would still look better with more hair.” Given enough time, I am sure she will find a doctor that agrees with her.