I consider coupons for shopping at Whole Foods a form of reparations for white people.

Every day that passes brings me one day closer to my final rest. It would be nice to get at least one decent night sleep before that...

The question: Should I bring a change of clothes?

I don’t need to have a bad day as an excuse for drinking. I need drinking as an excuse for having a bad day.

It was the beer talking when I called you an asshole. To be more specific, it was the five out of six beers who agree you’re an asshole...

My wife and I have been married for twenty years. After twenty years of only talking during commercials, I think we finally understand...

I grabbed a package of condoms at the store and asked the clerk where the fitting room was. She ignored me or didn’t hear what I was...

Do I buy a condom, or do I play another game of pool? I ask myself this question every time I wash my hands in the men’s room at a bar.

Confidence is picking up three boxes of condoms at Walgreen’s and asking the girl ringing up your purchase out on a date.

A man’s underwear says a lot about his personality. Mine say I’m full of shit.

When I die, I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread over the one place I had the most enjoyment in life. She may not like it, but...

"I give more attention to the dog because she is the only bitch in the house that listens to me."

What would a blooper reel for a porn movie look like? I think we can rule out clips of people forgetting lines. If someone does yell...

Recently, there was a Walk for MS fundraiser. God bless them. I have MS and think it is great that people want to help. However, part...

If push came to shove, I really think I could beat the shit out of a Koala.

The world is your oyster but I’m taking that damn pearl.

You can be whoever you want to be until your other personality takes over.

Straight from the horse’s mouth and onto your dinner plate.

I’m so angry I could club a seal.

“Honey you are lucky. Every morning women across this country are doing whatever they need to do to make themselves look beautiful; put...