My wife says she wants to have a baby because she does not want to die alone. Sort of makes me wonder what’s going to happen to me after...

I’ve made it through 20 years of marriage without my wife killing me. She obviously prefers that I die a slow and painful death.

You don’t know loneliness until you’ve been ignored at an orgy.

According to Nostradamus, in a hundred years we’ll be farming Bigfoot for exotic meat.

I don’t mind when women break up with me. But do they have to look so happy when they are doing it?

I’m terrible in bed which is why I never go to orgies. You should only have to say “I’m sorry” once.

Being a married man is work without a paycheck. But at least I get to sleep with the boss.

Being married takes all the surprise out of having a baby.

I keep my sex life to myself, and anyone who watches the videos.

Celebrate responsibly. Pass out before you can do any real damage.

You might be too promiscuous if you have a guest book for your one-night stands.

What would happen if you told your boss, you needed some time to figure out the root cause why you didn’t do your job?

Now that I learned our road systems are systemically racist, I don’t feel so bad throwing my McDonalds wrappers out the car window.

I’m thinking a lot about my death in my old age. Funeral homes and BOGO sales. Funeral Homes offering group rates. Funeral homes...

I don’t care if I am not very good in bed. I figure any woman who ends up sleeping with me wasn’t expecting much anyway.

Don’t be afraid to take chances. Be afraid of what might happen when you do.

The key to happiness won’t work if life has changed the locks.

Refer to your bad habits as hobbies. You'll feel a lot better about yourself.

Don't speak ill of the dead unless you missed your opportunity to do it while the person was alive.

I have no respect for people who engage in drive-by shootings. That’s just lazy. You’re not ordering a fucking cheeseburger. Find a...